As March looms near, the dismal days of winter linger, and the scent of spring lurks, heightening my awareness that the boxes labeled grief, heartache, and unbearable pain will open back up bringing me to the time, place, and familiar smells of the day(s) I wish could’ve been lived differently.  My life now looks quite a bit different than it did seven years ago, but tears still spill out & my heart still aches for the longing of the little boy who forever changed my life.

My eyes see a brave, smart, young man named Owen & a beautiful, witty, little girl named Annika playing hide & go seek together.  As I watch, my heart remembers another little boy who will forever be two and a half.  This little boy first captured my heart & proudly called me Mama for the very first time.  His voice, his singing and love for books, monster trucks, trains, firetrucks, Diego, Dora, blanky & doggie are memories I long to be crisp & vivid but sadly have faded with time.  My Braden, born with a special heart, lived a short yet purposeful life.  My life has never been the same for knowing, loving & sadly losing him.

March is often the month where winter’s door is closing & the birds start to sing spring to life.  For us midwesterners, it’s a time we long for as we get the itch to welcome longer, warmer days & evenings outside; we thirst for the activities we can finally participate in without bitter temps and snow-covered ground.  For others, like me, it reminds me of foggy, empty days, numbness, a heavy chest, and a lingering feeling of hopelessness.  There’s something about the smell of March that I wish for January’s frost to diminish or April’s sunshine to dry up.  I can almost feel myself holding my breath until it’s all over.  Hello March, I can no longer hide behind winter; I have to come out & face once again another painful reminder that this loss is real.  No matter how brave or strong one can be, there will be days that can overwhelm us right to the core.

Psalm 30:5 say, “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”  I take comfort in knowing that as much as I wrestle with the darkness of March, light always overcomes darkness.  I am reminded of the beautiful sunrise on the early morning of March 17th.  Rich & I were at his parent’s house; we just couldn’t go home to an empty house after leaving the hospital without our B.  I was numb to life, but there was a sense of peace & comfort in that sunrise.  It was God’s beautiful creation that symbolized Braden’s safe homecoming.  In the days, months & years to follow, the significance of that sunrise would resurface reminding me of Braden’s purposeful life. Although my arms do not hold him now, there will come a time when eternal life will allow us to never part.  The sunrise reminds me to look at the light in my life, not just the darkness.  It reminds me how precious life is, so look at it through the eyes of love & gratitude; find the joy & embrace the sunshine.  Dear March, although I loathe you, I am choosing to forge ahead knowing you are apart of the journey, you no longer control it.  I choose life. I choose joy. I choose hope. I choose love. I choose faith.

Fall on my Faith – what does that even mean?  Ironically, when I should have or could have leaned on my faith during the most tragic event of my life, I didn’t.  At that time I didn’t know what it meant, what it looked like or even felt like to lean on faith in times of adversity.  It’s only been through these last few years that I’ve known and experienced the true meaning of falling on my faith, to get through times of trouble, to surrender and help me experience peace in the midst of pain.

Yesterday’s Faith: Growing up, I went to church, religion classes, and Sunday School.  I really only connected church and God on Sundays and in my nightly prayers (if I didn’t fall asleep first).  My prayers would often start with, “Dear God thank you for everything you’ve done for us, given us and helped us with.” Then I would pray for the hungry and sick.  Amen. That was it.  Being a tender-hearted gal, praying for others felt natural. It was a way to help them. I pictured God as this supernatural figure that was almighty and powerful.  I had the impression he didn’t have time or room for small prayers like mine only prayers for those who were sick and in great need. I believed in God, and I was a good person–I always thought that was enough.

I went through high school and college with this foundational faith, and it wasn’t until I had a conversation with one of my teaching colleagues that I started to realize believing really wasn’t enough.  “God wants more from us and for us than just our belief in him.”  I didn’t understand that–what does it mean to live a life for God or with God? What does it look like? Does that mean change?  Does that mean I have to alter who I am, what I do, who I associate with, what I read, or the movies I watch?  My lack of understanding and guidance at the time was a missed opportunity to bridge the gap between what I knew then and what I know now.

Fast-forward almost ten years later, and my life has been filled with a mix of joy and heartache, the most painful being the loss of my son Braden. That foundational faith I thought was “strong enough” crumbled to pieces, and I felt very lost in this new life. A few years later, through divine intervention, my hardened heart began to soften leading me on a path of faith restoration-a testimony that will be later told.

The Awakening:  One of my first experiences attending my new church, a more contemporary church that did not hold the same traditional style that I was used to, was a sermon about tithing.  I’ve seen these tithing sermons before where the church asks for more of you, your talents, gifts, and money.  This message, however, was different.  I cannot think of the scripture that laid the foundation for the message, but the sermon was about giving thanks to God for all that we have because everything ultimately leads back to him. It was said in a way that really made me stop and think.  God made ME, he made me just the way I am, quirks and all.  He gave me the knowledge, wisdom, and tender heart that I possess.  Everything that has value in my life – my husband, children, job, house, etc came from God.  I could’ve been born someone different, with different circumstances, more or less brain power or with a completely different personality.  Everything ultimately leads back to Him.  It was one of the biggest “aha” moments of my life.  My thank yous to God began evolving, becoming more significant than my sleepy, memorized prayer at night.

As I began my faith walk, there was a peace inside that was starting to reshape the hardened edges of my heart. But to be real & honest, there was also a mix of fear and intimidation that came with this new walk. It was my first time experiencing a “small group,” a group of women coming together to read and study faith-related material (books, scripture, people in the bible) for a variety of reasons.  Some wanted a deeper relationship with God, others needed fellowship, and others like me were trying to “get it,” to understand more about this “walk with God” journey.  I remember journaling about change and fearing that I would change beyond recognition, that I would wake up one day and my husband wouldn’t recognize me or that my friends wouldn’t know who I was anymore.  I look back and laugh now because that’s far from the truth.  But the fear was real and often when we are faced with taking a risk for the unknown, we often revert back to what we’ve always known, what seems “safe” and familiar.

My next experience came when I discovered what the Holy Spirit was.  Remember my faithful church and Sunday School attendance?  Well it seemed more like a call of duty, going only to fulfill that weekly requirement.  In this mindset, I missed out on a lot – teachings, lessons, and the desire to get to know more of God.  I guess somewhere along the line, I should’ve learned about the Holy Spirit and maybe understood His role in my life, right?  In that same mom’s bible group, nervous to say the wrong things because I felt like nobody could be this “bible dumb,” we were reading a book that asked us to pray to the Holy Spirit.  Since I’ve only known to pray to God, this was all new to me.  I wasn’t even sure who or what the Holy Spirit was.  So, what does one do when they don’t have an answer? Call mom!  My mom responded with, “Well ask your dad.  He went to Catholic School growing up and he had to learn all of that.  Ask him.”  My dad’s response was, “Well, you know Steph….the Father, Son, Holy Ghost.”  Um yeah dad, but what IS the Holy Spirit?  After my dad researched the meaning on Wikipedia, I finally resorted to asking the women in the group, those who could probably explain it better than any Wiki answer found online. To my surprise, I didn’t get laughed at (thanks for the grace ladies), and I found an answer that would start to shape, shift and alter my relationship with my maker. How come I didn’t know about this sooner?

My Recap (simplicity at its finest): God created his only son, Jesus, to come and be God in the flesh here on earth. God knew that sin was inescapable in this fallen world, and that His people needed second chances, grace and mercy in their lives.  Jesus’s death on the cross was that very sacrifice, providing forgiveness, not condemnation, for wrong-doings.  When Jesus ascended into heaven, his spirit (the Holy Spirit) was given for all who believe in Him.  By accepting and receiving the Holy Spirit into our lives, it’s like having God living in and through us.  We can talk to God just like we can talk to a friend.  God longs for us to reach out, reach up and connect with Him.  He did not create us to walk this life alone-He walks beside us.  Psalm 145:18 states, “The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.”

This changed my whole way of thinking and praying, knowing I can cry out to God whenever I need him.  No prayer is too big or too small for God.  Not all prayers are answered in the way in which we ask, but releasing the control or burden brings an indescribable peace.  If only I would’ve known this great, wonderful truth years ago – it would’ve spared me anxious nights, heartache from dumb boys, and years of self-doubt that I was never truly good enough to be more or do more in my life.

Evolving Faith: I’m still a work in progress, but aren’t we all. Fall on my Faith has evolved from a journey of grief and loss to a path of surrender and healing. Turning my pain into purpose has allowed me to seek the beauty in life and look for the blessings and open doors. I learned seven years ago that I do not hold the plan for my life, and trying to navigate a life of loss on my own, with my back towards God, left me hopeless and lost. Falling on my faith has been a daily decision to surrender control and ask for God’s guidance through prayer, providing an indescribable peace in my life.

Final Thoughts:  So, about that change I was so fearful about when I first started this journey?  Imagine yourself gazing at a rough, unpolished piece of stone.  As you begin to chisel away the rough, hardened outside, you start to find out what’s really beneath that rough exterior.  A beautiful masterpiece starts to unveil itself, one that has been there all along; it just took concentrated effort to peel back those outer layers.  Sometimes the very circumstances that create the hardness can be the same that chisel it away.  The difference comes in how we handle those circumstances – we often lay the burden on ourselves instead of reaching out to God to help us through.  As we try so hard to resolve conflict, we sometimes retreat to other places or create our own resolutions, often resulting in added stress, fear, grief, or actions we might later regret.  Letting go and truly letting God take you by the hand is complete surrender.  It’s not easy, but if you allow yourself to stand in the raw, it will start to reveal the true you, the imperfect yet beautiful you that lies within.  The day that we start accepting ourselves for who we are – gifts, flaws and all – is when God smiles knowing the masterpiece he created years and years ago is finally accepted by the one who matters most, YOU.

 

 

There’s probably some fancy place to post an “about me” or an”about the author”, but please pardon my dust as I navigate through my new website, my VERY OWN website….eek!!  It’s not full of sparkles or fluff (yet), but it’s mine and the newness and ownership and blank-canvas type feeling is exciting yet overwhelming all in the same.  So, who am I?  Geesh, that’s a loaded question as there are many layers to Stephanie.  In a nutshell and to ward off any boredom or long yawns, I am a mother of three beautiful children, with one being in heaven.  I’m a wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  I am witty (or so I like to think), compassionate, fun-loving, and tender-hearted (or as my husband says, “sensitive”).  I enjoy learning, reading, running, and purging my mind through writing.  Underneath all of that though is a woman with a burning desire to be all that she was born to be, to find purpose in every crevice of her life – the good, the bad & even the ugly.  I am a child of God, a Christian woman who has flaws, needs, and painful parts of life.  I long for peace & I am discovering that the root of my joy is gratitude & to embrace every detail of my journey, surrendering to the one who holds the plan for my life.  The name Fall on my Faith has a story all in its own, but my purpose is to show the world (or the few who read this) that the journey of life has its “peaks & valleys” (a bit cliche I know).  Although we all love to be in the peaks of life, it’s in the valley where we learn the meaning of grit, where we fight the hardest, and grow the most. It’s where we most often times lean on scripture, ask for prayer & learn to fall on our faith to get us through.  I can’t promise you fancy shmancy, but I can promise you real, raw, & perfect imperfection.  Here goes….